The most bittersweet day of my life.

It's a little strange to me that every anniversary or special event in someones life gets posted on some form of social media.  I also do this very thing.  I want to acknowledge this day and spend the few uninterrupted minutes just remembering my son.  I titled this post as a bittersweet day, this day 10 years ago marks the anniversary that my sweet Nathan was free from this life.  I say bitterweet and I'm sure that those who know me know why  Nathan's was a little boy that from the time he was born had his family wrapped around his finger, he was so full of life and mischief.  As he grew his life became physically more challenging and he required 24-7 care.  I knew on April 4, 2009 that this would be the day my son was set free.  He had been home on hospice for nearly 6 weeks but today was different his body had gone through some changes and we knew that his time on earth was nearing an end.  As his mother I felt a sense of relief MY LITTLE BOY WHO HAD SUFFERED SO MUCH WAS GOING TO BE FREE!  I as his mom had spent the last few years caring for him and his 4 siblings.  His care was all I knew and I knew my life was about to take a very scary turn today.  I was going to have to say good bye to this sweet angel and figure out how to continue to live my life without him in it.  This concept scared me to death.  I had devoted so much time to him that I didn't know how I would function without him.  I had lost my identity throughout his life as Melissa.  I had become Nathan's mom.  Everyone who knew him loved him, they were drawn to him.  I loved being known as his mom I took pride in it!  I also knew that as he passed my other kids were going to get the attention they needed and deserved.  I was going to be able to devote more time to their individual needs.  I also knew that I would have a lot of time that I normally didn't have and I was really scared of this alone time.  What if I miss him so much I go crazy, what if I slide into a horrible depression and lose sight of what's important to me.  These fears scared me to death.  So while I had these fears of the unknown I also had joy to know that my son was going to be able to run, play, that his spirit would live on free from pain.  NO more surgeries or hospital trips.  this made my heart leap with joy for him. 

Now fast forward 10 years later as I mark the anniversary of his freedom from this life, I am filled with so many different feelings.  I have learned to live and move on with him not physically in my life.  I miss him daily and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him often.  I have learned to not sweat the small stuff and enjoy the small moments with my family.  The little things they do and say.  I have watched as my children have grown and become or are becoming adults.  I have such a great appreciation for them and the opportunity to live in an area and a time that we get to be part of each others daily lives.  I have watched as my adopted kids have grown to love Nathan and have said they wish they would have known him or they love him. 

As a grieving mother I love to talk about him and to relate stories about his life and how much he has taught me, how much my testimony has grown because of him and the experiences I've had because I was blessed to be his mother.  Not many people who I interact with on a regular basis know that April 4th is our day.  Every year I struggle and the days leading up to the date are hard.  One experience that happened this year that I write more for my memory because I know I will look back on it with a little humor is the other day while I was at work I had a sweet little patient that was being discharge within the hour  She wanted her IV out so bad so telling mom that if we take it out before I have the actual discharge orders and something were to happen it would mean another poke.  They decided to remove it anyway, no sooner had we removed and I got the order for additional labs prior to discharge.  I had to poke this patient again.  This wasn't a big deal, they did cry and were upset no big right, well this wasn't the end the lab lost the sample and I had to poke yet another time.  This time the patient started crying and so did her nurse I felt so stupid but it totally broke my heart to do this.  I know my emotions are so close to flowing over at this time of year and the smallest of things can trigger it well this was just one of those things.  Needless to say I drew the lab and a short while later sent them home. .

Grief never leaves me or my family it only changes.  The pain never leaves it becomes different.